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ya ampun, udah berapa abad gue ga ngepost disini. well, i came back because tumblr is fuckin blocked in indonesia. yes, you read it right. B L O C K E D. sedih dong gue?? gue cerita lagi dimana dong? :(
time to catch up with you, my long-lost friend! gue takut kalo cerita terlalu banyak ke ervan nanti dia menjauh karena most of my stories are unimportant, selfish, and stupid. jaadiiii... i'd rather write here. oh iya! gue sama ruth baikan since januari 2018, karena she reached out to me first. iya, emang i never let my guard down. also sekarang gue sama bagas juga udah ngobrol lagi. i really, really need to evaluate my life. detox deh from within, starting with un-hating people. hahaha is that even a real word. wew, udah lama juga ya since my first boyfriend and i broke up. gue inget banget jadian pertama kali sama rudy tuh april 2017. deket tapi dari gue lulus sma, mei-juni 2016. karena tinder HAHAH yep. tinder. gila ye, nekat juga gue. gara-gara kaga pernah deket sama cowok sih seumur hidup hahah jadinya nyari di tinder deh. hm. ngomongin apa ya? ngomongin my past lovers aja kali ya? hahaha boleh deh demi sebwah ~update~ 1. togu gue pernah deket sama ini anak. kenal darimana? kita sama-sama gereja di hkbp, tepatnya di remaja. gue inget banget waktu kelas 8 dia deketin gue. masih jaman bbm tuh, tiap hari kerjanya chattingan. kadang-kadang dia nelpon gue juga hahaha. kejadian yang paling gue inget tuh... telponan sambil tiduran di kantor bokap gue hahaha di polsek kemayoran kalo gak salah. terus doi nembak gue setelah 2 mingguan chatting terus. tapi gue tolak, dengan alasan gaboleh pacaran sama bokap nyokap HAHA daan dia ngejauh, of course. sekarang togu udah keren banget deh hahaha tahun kedua udah jadi wakahima di jurusan dia masa, keren kan? iya, gue ngestalk dia hahaha. also he was cuter dulu, sekarang...uh let's say he's not my type. nah togu ini saudaranya kezia. fun fact, abis togu, kakaknya kezia yg deket sama gue HAHAH untung gajadi yaa kalo ngga gue membawa kericuhan ke keluarga kezia :-) ga banget deh. 1.5 nadya iya, gue pernah deket sama cewek yang gue kenal dari twitter, namanya nadya. she never knew how i looked like, dan dia itu pacar gue di rp dulu. yeri. she was very lovely. not even sure that i'd call this a fling tapi... i really liked her. when it was her birthday i'd send her gifts, and she'd also send gifts on my birthday. inget banget waktu gue ulang tahun dia ngirim mug yang retak ujungnya karena dikirim pake jne hahaha and she apologized for it, padahal bukan salah dia. gue lupa tapi gue ngirim apa ke dia. jadi..begitu. i ended it karena it felt so fake, and i felt like i've been lying for too long. i didn't bid my goodbye, and i ended it just like that, by leaving her then and there. i'd still read her messages now and then, but i never reply to them. hell, i even forgot my account's password. i still feel bad sometimes, but it's inevitable. 2. bang ara nah bang ara, alias kakaknya kezia ini, pernah deket sama gue. gue gatau dia tau gue pernah deket sama togu/engga, tapi...it happened. gue kenal sama dia lewat kezia dan togu, obviously. gue yang suka dia duluan. gue ga inget darimana dia bisa dapet nomor hp gue, dan memori yang paling bisa gue recall dari dia adalah dia lucu banget. selucu itu. dia pernah ngirim mms gambar dia lagi niup seruling pake idung di sebuah pesta batak dan cerita tentang betapa sebuah opung-opung dengan anehnya nawarin dia kuping babi hahaha random banget. dia ga pernah nembak gue sih, cuma dia pernah bilang kalo dia suka sama gue. nah elisa si bego pada masanya takut kalo ada cowo suka sama dia, dia cuma pengen cintanya ga berbalas. aneh kan? hahaha. abis itu gue jauhin deh perlahan, dan akhirnya ga deket lagi. nah kakaknya kezia ini sekarang udah oke banget! dia s2 di US, dan makin ganteng. kalo dulu dia cute, sekarang dia ganteng. nah waktu kita gede (alias recently) kita ketemu. tapi dia bener-bener gak ramah sama sekali, dan cuma senyum sebatas wajarnya aja. padahal, gue makin cantik sekarang hahaha. jokes aside, it's like we've never known each other. it's... totally weird. but whatever, cinta monyet. 3. aryo i've been off the grid for years until last year of high school. gue kenal aryo lewat inten, kita sekelas. tebak kenapa gue suka dia? karena dia pinter hahah. dia anak cc, lahir tanggal 21 januari 1999. dia lebih tua 2 bulan dari gue. we had some official dates, dan yang paling gue inget itu nonton berdua di metropole, karena itu date pertama gue selama gue idup di dunia. masih pake seragam pula hahah. we didn't do anything weird, and we didn't hold hands either HAHA. gue lupa film apa, but that was that. ga pernah jadian. gue pernah nanya pas ketemu dia 1.5 years later ke dia, nanya kenapa kita ga pernah jadi dulu, dan dia jawab karena dia takut ldr. dia takut dia gak bisa percaya sama gue. dia bilang gue eksis dan banyak yang suka (which i didn't believe, karena gue ga pernah mejeng di cc or anything dan cuma a part of team nari yang cuma sekali perform di sanur so i found his statement unreliable) dan pasti banyak yang bakal deketin gue. dan..yaudah. mau gimana lagi? dia nya aja ga percaya sama gue, buat apa gue perjuangin. padahal i really really liked him. he's really nice, dan he's kind of timid, jadi gue yang deketin dia duluan, dengan modusan minta diajarin fisika hehehe. dia juga chubby lucu gitu. oh iya on my first lomba di sanur gue ngundang dia buat nonton and he did come! i was really happy karena he kept his word. terus dia sering banget ngasih gue gifts. i told him i like adhitia sofyan, dan dia jadi suka juga kan sama adhitia sofyan. so he came to one of adhitia sofyan's cd signing events dan asked for a sign for me. tulisannya "to rigit" hahaha that is his 'panggilan sayang' for me. reason? because i hated my name, particularly that certain part. but he didn't, and he loved me just as i was. he also accepted all my thoughts, including the dark ones that linger sometimes upon my head. including the elisa who's very selfish, the elisa who's a feminist who doesn't want kids, and the elisa who cuts. he accepted every part of me. waktu gue sweet 17 dia ngasih gue buku little prince yang pop-up. lucu banget dong? now that i think about it, i feel like he'd be a very loyal, and perfect boyfriend despite his appearance. too bad i didn't and will never deserve him, or even someone like him. he's too good for me. hell, he's too good for anyone. i just hope that he finds the very best, and that person will treat him well. i didn't love him, but i truly, truly cared for him. i have a certain feeling that he did, though. and now that i think about it, i have no bad memories of him. all of them are fond. i might as well just make a tv series called "Reply, 2016" hahahah. udahan dulu ya, sisanya kapan-kapan. gue ngantuk hahaha. selamat malam, dunia.
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I once read a text, that went something along these lines:
"Being suicidal doesn't mean holding a gun to your head, or cutting both of your wrists. It could be in a form of smoking a cigarette, hoping that you'll get cancer and die. Or jaywalking at the streets, hoping that a car will hit you and you'll die....." It's a long text post and I don't remember the whole thing but you get the point. But I realized that I have been doing these little things lately. I used to cut (no promises that I will not do it anymore) and went to buildings that have rooftops to jump from. But people started to notice and they're starting to think that I'm an ungrateful bitch who's a huge freak that doesn't appreciate life. So I changed those suicidal habits into things that are a little more subtle. For example, I noticed myself driving carelessly lately, hoping that I would crash into a huge truck so I would die on the spot. I also find myself forgetting to eat until my stomach actually hurts a lot lol (I have a gastritis, and it's quite bad). Related to the gastritis one, so my stomach hurts really bad when I drink coffee before I eat anything (because coffee makes my stomach produce more acid) so it hurts the whooooole day. But I still do it anyways, with reasons that would make me feel content. Like "not falling asleep in class", for example. I also find myself not sleeping regularly, in hopes of being exhausted so I will have no more energy left to live and die of exhaustion. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I hope my this stupidity within will go away soon. Ketika seorang manusia dihadapkan pada sebuah masalah hidup yang berat, akan ada 2 pilihan yang menyusul.
Lari dan mencari kesibukan, atau menghadapi untuk menyelesaikan. Saya, dengan bodohnya, memilih yang pertama. dan disini saya, duduk, bersama secangkir teh penuh penyesalan penuh pikiran penuh keinginan untuk mengakhiri semua angan. kadang, rumah tidak terbuat dari batu bata
namun dari huruf-huruf yang mengukir sebuah nama dan kini ku bertanya kepada yang maha kuasa; kepada siapa, aku berpulang? so how does one deal with break-ups?
i can’t even handle one properly, and i’m pretty sure i’m doing it wrong. i am able to forget the minute i step outside my house but when i rest my body against my bed, everything crashes down. and when i close my eyes; my mind roams everywhere, searching for solace. love. warmth. whatever that is. but only tears will follow. nothing else. and one day, i believe that i will be content with my own self. this shall ease off, elisa. breathe in, breathe out. Hey, I just went back from the theatres. After such long time, finally I was able to watch Wonderwoman! Thank goodness it had not yet been taken down. It's been two and a half weeks since its premiere, so by now it should've been taken down but I was blessed, I guess.
First of all, I loved it. It made me feel so goddamn powerful through the entire movie. And my favourite scene has got to be where all the ladies were fighting/training with each other. Seeing a lot of women being so damn strong with no hint of "damsel in distress" thing got me so fucking hyped. Especially when there were no males in the island. ALSO, I LOVED HOW MOST OF THE FIGHT SCENES WERE IN SLOW-MO. LIKE DAMN. WHAT THE FUCK? HOW. FUCKING. COOL. I FEEL SO GODDAMN EMPOWERED. A+++++++++ for you, Patty Jenkins. BUT. One thing that I kinda disliked at the middle of the movie is why did Diana have a love interest, when it didn't seem necessary. I rolled my eyes a bit too hard when Trevor came onto the frame. But throughout the film, it kinda struck me that apparently she had empathy, which is a really nice trait for a human being to have. Wait- I mean, demigod. Creature. Whatever. It's not about love, it's about empathy. Seeing her lost her loved one and let out her rage got me in chills. Damn girl u scary. Oh, I also disliked how unrealistic she was when she wanted to save everyone. Honey, not everyone wants to be saved. Also, the movie didn't sexualize her in any forms. Plus points to you, Jenkins. But overall, I loved the movie. The movie industry definitely needs more heroines, to empower young girls - or even middle-aged women! I watched it with my aunt, and she said she felt empowered too. I am looking forward for more. dear, the 15-year-old me.
i am so, so sorry; that your cutting habit was not a phase. people will always see the facade.
just the pretty face, they shall recognize. the mask, right upon this opaqueness i have beneath. no one will never know the cries between midnights, the slits those bruises along with every teardrop shed on this very shaky ground no one will ever know the madness that has awaited longing to surface out of this very skin who they call prison which i could never fathom they will always see a pretty face shall they never know the insides Sayangku, kegilaan itu
Bukanlah milikmu seorang Aku, pun, setiap momennya (kuhitung setiap detiknya) Menjilatinya dengan tersiksa Sungguh tercengengkram, sungguh mencekam Bagai kuk yang mengikat ujung dari genggaman kewarasan Sangat kuat Sangat dalam. Betapa menyitanya, Begitu laknatnya, Hati, waktu, Pikiran yang makin mengeropos; Kegilaan ini Begitu sunyi Sungguh menyendiri Tapi adikku, sayang, Janganlah, sekalipun, Mencicipi kegilaan ini Biarlah aku saja, sayang. Biarkan aku saja. Dari kakakmu yang mencintaimu; // I destroy things when I'm angry.
// I like destroying things. Including myself. |
Prologuenot much goes on inside my head anymore. In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
my people.Categoriespain is inevitable. suffering, is optional. Archives
November 2017
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