Jika saya boleh jujur, sejak kecil saya sering kepikiran untuk operasi kelamin saya menjadi gonad laki-laki. Alasannya? Bukan karena saya merasa saya lebih cocok sebagai laki-laki, bukan. Alasannya karena saya muak dengan bentuk diskriminasi yang saya terima dari kecil. Meskipun bentuk diskiriminasi yang terjadi terhadap saya dan wanita lainnya bisa dibilang “kecil”, tapi tidak ada luka yang tidak sakit, bukan? Semua luka menghasilkan adalah luka. Begitu pula dengan diskiriminasi. Sekecil apapun bentuknya, tetap saja disebut dengan diskriminasi. Sebagai contoh, saya adalah anak pertama dari dua bersaudara dan kami berdua perempuan. My parents are expecting a baby boy, and I often hear them discuss about it. Even though they don’t say it out loud, I know they’re disappointed because they don’t have a son. And I actually don’t like the idea of having a brother. You see, the Batak culture is based on patriarchy. Jadi kalau a household tidak punya anak laki-laki, “kesannya” rumah tersebut tidak punya anak. Well, menurut saya sih begitu. Pathetic, right? Tapi masalahnya ini udah menyangkut budaya yang sejak dulu sudah ada, jadi tidak mungkin bisa diubah. Yang bisa diubah hanyalah manusianya. That’s why saya ingin operasi kelamin. Saya juga sudah sering ngomong ke orang tua saya, bahwa saya akan sukses dan mereka tidak butuh anak laki-laki. Meskipun mereka mengangguk dan tersenyum, saya tahu they just brushed it off, because dalam budaya patriarchy versi orang Batak (especially yang di kampung), wanita hanya bekerja di dapur, memasak dan mencuci. Bahkan ayah saya pernah secara terang-terangan mengatakan hal itu. Waktu saya liburan ke Medan, saya melihat seorang wanita sedang berjalan dari sawah ke rumahnya dengan membawa tiga bakul berisi padi. Satu di tangan kanan, satu di tangan kiri, dan satu di kepala. Lalu saat saya tanyakan ke ayah saya, dan Ia menjawab, “Oh memang seharusnya perempuan yang melakukan segalanya, karena posisi mereka dibawah laki-laki. Biasanya di kampung-kampung, laki-laki bangun siang, merokok, dan minum kopi. Intinya mereka hanya bersantai lah.” Saya tersentak, dan berpikir laki-laki itu ternyata gak guna ya? Busuk. Sampah. Kasus lain, wanita tidak boleh mempunyai pendapat yang radikal, tidak boleh memakai baju apapun yang mereka suka and wear what they’re comfortable in, dan tidak boleh mencintai dirinya sendiri. Meskipun tidak secara langsung diucapkan, tapi memang itu kenyataannya karena jika mereka adalah antonim dari hal-hal diatas, mereka akan dimarahi/diceramahi/dicemooh oleh orang lain karena “wanita tidak pantas”. Sebagai contoh, wanita diajarkan untuk tidak memakai celana/rok pendek dan baju V-neck/tank top agar “tidak menarik perhatian”, tapi laki-laki tidak pernah diajarkan untuk tidak menggoda wanita dan untuk menahan nafsu berahi yang mereka miliki, as if they can’t control their own goddamn penis. Kenapa mereka tidak masturbasi saja, atau menyewa prostitute? That way, no one would be raped, dan hubungannya akan menjadi simbiosis mutualisme. Yang kedua, jika seorang wanita di-compliment tentang how she looks, mayoritas akan menjawab: “Apaan sih aku jelek, kamu tuh cantik!” dan bukan mengakui bahwa Ia memang cantik. Kenapa kita tidak bisa confident? Karena, memang itu budayanya. Sejak dahulu, wanita telah terbiasa menjadi rendah hati. Tapi saya ingin bertanya, rendah hati atau rendah diri? Yang terakhir. Jika seorang wanita mempunyai sebuah pendapat, people will tell her she’s being “bossy”, instead of being “helpful”. Sekarang beri tahu saya kalau wanita tidak didiskriminasi, hm? Secara personal, saya sering mengalami peristiwa digoda pria di jalan dengan siulan, kata-kata tidak senonoh, and I FUCKING HATE IT. Coba, manusia mana sih yang suka digoda dan diperlakukan dengan tidak pantas, tidak sebagai manusia? Dasar binatang. Pasalnya, mereka menggoda dalam semua peristiwa. Even though saya pake baju biasa YANG GAK SHOW A LITTLE HINT OF SKIN SAMA SEKALI juga tetap saja. Biasanya saya merespon dengan melotot atau memberikan jari tengah saya, lalu berlari ke arah lain agar tidak dibunuh. Padahal saya belajar taekwondo, huh. Seharusnya saya tidak takut. Tapi mau gimana lagi, faktanya secara fisik laki-laki memang lebih besar dan kuat. Tapi bukan berarti wanita tidak kuat lho. Kita hanya terbiasa di intimidasi oleh masyarakat saja. So yeah, that’s it. Cuma mau complaint tentang this unfair world. Padahal katanya Tuhan mencintai umatnya, kenapa satu harus lebih tinggi dari yang lain? Apa alasannya? Takdir? Harkat? Thanks, but I'm not taking this bullshit.
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If I were to be asked, where I want to pursue education after high school, I'd answer Institut Teknologi Bandung, aka ITB, in a heartbeat. Since I was little, I've always wanted to study in either UI or ITB. But as I grew, I've fallen more for ITB. UI got nothing on ITB. Since I was in the first grade of elementary school, I had planned my future, and how I wanted it to be. It was something like this: GRADUATE BELLARMINUS -> MASUK SANUR -> GRADUATE -> MASUK SMA 8 -> LULUS -> UI/ITB!!!!!!! Yes, I've been very ambitious since I was eight. I still am, but I kind of gave up since I'm too inferior compared to my friends. I don't see the advantage of being ambitious anymore, since it won't make any difference. I did a lot of research regarding ITB; that the faculty of my dreams aka FTMD (Fakultas Teknik Mesin dan Dirgantara) is located at Jalan Ganesha no. 10, Bandung. The place is really green and fresh (lol I sound like I'm talking about veggies). It has lots of trees, and people don't really use their personal motor-based vehicle, unlike Jakarta, where everyone has at least one personal motor-based vehicle. Imagine how bad the air is, considering the fact that the pollution is pretty severe. The students go to school by bike or by feet. Some of them use public transport, too. But why I like ITB the most is that the air is not as polluted as Jakarta. I'm sick of breathing dirt. I have always been interested in airplanes, how they work, how they're made, etc. I'm also a fan of Prof. Dr. -Ing. Dr. Sc. Mult. H. Bacharuddin Jusuf Habibie (I think I've mentioned him before?). What a name. He participated in the making of a small passenger airplane, the N-250 Gatotkaca in 1995, in which I think was amazing, despite the failure. The feeling when I see airplanes is like the butterflies in your stomach when you see the man (or woman) you love. Call me a freak, but that's how I am. Whoa. It's only Tuesday but the fatigue I'm having is as much as what I had last year, by Friday, when the week was over. At this point, breaking down a lot of times is very necessary because if not, insanity will approach and control the hell out of me. I've had a few breakdowns the past week, and some of them were really random. In a random time, and a random place.
So I was eating at this German restaurant (whose food was really good! They contain pork, though.) and I didn't feel like eating. It was a Saturday night, around 7 PM, and there were a lot of people. We were lucky to be able to get a seat. The thing is, on that day, I haven't eaten the whole day because I had to submit a few assignments to some teachers at break. I didn't have the time to eat. And obviously, I got very angry. Hungry people get very sensitive, you know. Even lions do. After school, I had to do a try out that lasted for four hours at inten with a friend of mine. Again, no time to eat. I got angrier. And after the try out, all I wanted to do was go home, get some recharge (sleep), and do the assignments that were due the week after. But noooo, of course not. That'd be too good to be true. When I got to my car, I saw my sister and my mom wearing very fancy clothes, indicating that we were heading to the mall afterwards. Meanwhile I, was still in my complete, ugly, green uniform; looking like a trash/mess after a long day. I got angrier. All I wanted to do was rest; can't I get just that? Long story short, we ended up at the German restaurant. You see, I didn't order anything except for a cup of chamomile tea. And all of a sudden, I got very sad. I thought about my future that seemed so dim, my effort that seemed meaningless, the tasks that I haven't done, the tests that I will face the week after, this dumb head of mine, the inferiority complex that I have because I have to compete with my ultra superior friends, and so much more. They weren't lying when they say that 'thoughts kill'. I cried, in a very crowded restaurant; but I didn't make a noise. Whilst the incident, I overheard my sister saying, "Mami, pas kakak ujian nanti kan dede libur. Kita jalan-jalan yuk! Ke Bali aja, udah lama dede gak ke Bali!". Man, I got even sadder than I already was. It's as if when I'm on the verge of insanity, no one was, and will be there for me. But my mom noticed my sniffles, and said "Gak lah. Mami harus dirumah, kakak kamu butuh support.", and tousled my hair softly. I think we all know what happened next. |
Prologuenot much goes on inside my head anymore. In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
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November 2017
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