ya ampun, udah berapa abad gue ga ngepost disini. well, i came back because tumblr is fuckin blocked in indonesia. yes, you read it right. B L O C K E D. sedih dong gue?? gue cerita lagi dimana dong? :(
time to catch up with you, my long-lost friend! gue takut kalo cerita terlalu banyak ke ervan nanti dia menjauh karena most of my stories are unimportant, selfish, and stupid. jaadiiii... i'd rather write here. oh iya! gue sama ruth baikan since januari 2018, karena she reached out to me first. iya, emang i never let my guard down. also sekarang gue sama bagas juga udah ngobrol lagi. i really, really need to evaluate my life. detox deh from within, starting with un-hating people. hahaha is that even a real word. wew, udah lama juga ya since my first boyfriend and i broke up. gue inget banget jadian pertama kali sama rudy tuh april 2017. deket tapi dari gue lulus sma, mei-juni 2016. karena tinder HAHAH yep. tinder. gila ye, nekat juga gue. gara-gara kaga pernah deket sama cowok sih seumur hidup hahah jadinya nyari di tinder deh. hm. ngomongin apa ya? ngomongin my past lovers aja kali ya? hahaha boleh deh demi sebwah ~update~ 1. togu gue pernah deket sama ini anak. kenal darimana? kita sama-sama gereja di hkbp, tepatnya di remaja. gue inget banget waktu kelas 8 dia deketin gue. masih jaman bbm tuh, tiap hari kerjanya chattingan. kadang-kadang dia nelpon gue juga hahaha. kejadian yang paling gue inget tuh... telponan sambil tiduran di kantor bokap gue hahaha di polsek kemayoran kalo gak salah. terus doi nembak gue setelah 2 mingguan chatting terus. tapi gue tolak, dengan alasan gaboleh pacaran sama bokap nyokap HAHA daan dia ngejauh, of course. sekarang togu udah keren banget deh hahaha tahun kedua udah jadi wakahima di jurusan dia masa, keren kan? iya, gue ngestalk dia hahaha. also he was cuter dulu, sekarang...uh let's say he's not my type. nah togu ini saudaranya kezia. fun fact, abis togu, kakaknya kezia yg deket sama gue HAHAH untung gajadi yaa kalo ngga gue membawa kericuhan ke keluarga kezia :-) ga banget deh. 1.5 nadya iya, gue pernah deket sama cewek yang gue kenal dari twitter, namanya nadya. she never knew how i looked like, dan dia itu pacar gue di rp dulu. yeri. she was very lovely. not even sure that i'd call this a fling tapi... i really liked her. when it was her birthday i'd send her gifts, and she'd also send gifts on my birthday. inget banget waktu gue ulang tahun dia ngirim mug yang retak ujungnya karena dikirim pake jne hahaha and she apologized for it, padahal bukan salah dia. gue lupa tapi gue ngirim apa ke dia. jadi..begitu. i ended it karena it felt so fake, and i felt like i've been lying for too long. i didn't bid my goodbye, and i ended it just like that, by leaving her then and there. i'd still read her messages now and then, but i never reply to them. hell, i even forgot my account's password. i still feel bad sometimes, but it's inevitable. 2. bang ara nah bang ara, alias kakaknya kezia ini, pernah deket sama gue. gue gatau dia tau gue pernah deket sama togu/engga, tapi...it happened. gue kenal sama dia lewat kezia dan togu, obviously. gue yang suka dia duluan. gue ga inget darimana dia bisa dapet nomor hp gue, dan memori yang paling bisa gue recall dari dia adalah dia lucu banget. selucu itu. dia pernah ngirim mms gambar dia lagi niup seruling pake idung di sebuah pesta batak dan cerita tentang betapa sebuah opung-opung dengan anehnya nawarin dia kuping babi hahaha random banget. dia ga pernah nembak gue sih, cuma dia pernah bilang kalo dia suka sama gue. nah elisa si bego pada masanya takut kalo ada cowo suka sama dia, dia cuma pengen cintanya ga berbalas. aneh kan? hahaha. abis itu gue jauhin deh perlahan, dan akhirnya ga deket lagi. nah kakaknya kezia ini sekarang udah oke banget! dia s2 di US, dan makin ganteng. kalo dulu dia cute, sekarang dia ganteng. nah waktu kita gede (alias recently) kita ketemu. tapi dia bener-bener gak ramah sama sekali, dan cuma senyum sebatas wajarnya aja. padahal, gue makin cantik sekarang hahaha. jokes aside, it's like we've never known each other. it's... totally weird. but whatever, cinta monyet. 3. aryo i've been off the grid for years until last year of high school. gue kenal aryo lewat inten, kita sekelas. tebak kenapa gue suka dia? karena dia pinter hahah. dia anak cc, lahir tanggal 21 januari 1999. dia lebih tua 2 bulan dari gue. we had some official dates, dan yang paling gue inget itu nonton berdua di metropole, karena itu date pertama gue selama gue idup di dunia. masih pake seragam pula hahah. we didn't do anything weird, and we didn't hold hands either HAHA. gue lupa film apa, but that was that. ga pernah jadian. gue pernah nanya pas ketemu dia 1.5 years later ke dia, nanya kenapa kita ga pernah jadi dulu, dan dia jawab karena dia takut ldr. dia takut dia gak bisa percaya sama gue. dia bilang gue eksis dan banyak yang suka (which i didn't believe, karena gue ga pernah mejeng di cc or anything dan cuma a part of team nari yang cuma sekali perform di sanur so i found his statement unreliable) dan pasti banyak yang bakal deketin gue. dan..yaudah. mau gimana lagi? dia nya aja ga percaya sama gue, buat apa gue perjuangin. padahal i really really liked him. he's really nice, dan he's kind of timid, jadi gue yang deketin dia duluan, dengan modusan minta diajarin fisika hehehe. dia juga chubby lucu gitu. oh iya on my first lomba di sanur gue ngundang dia buat nonton and he did come! i was really happy karena he kept his word. terus dia sering banget ngasih gue gifts. i told him i like adhitia sofyan, dan dia jadi suka juga kan sama adhitia sofyan. so he came to one of adhitia sofyan's cd signing events dan asked for a sign for me. tulisannya "to rigit" hahaha that is his 'panggilan sayang' for me. reason? because i hated my name, particularly that certain part. but he didn't, and he loved me just as i was. he also accepted all my thoughts, including the dark ones that linger sometimes upon my head. including the elisa who's very selfish, the elisa who's a feminist who doesn't want kids, and the elisa who cuts. he accepted every part of me. waktu gue sweet 17 dia ngasih gue buku little prince yang pop-up. lucu banget dong? now that i think about it, i feel like he'd be a very loyal, and perfect boyfriend despite his appearance. too bad i didn't and will never deserve him, or even someone like him. he's too good for me. hell, he's too good for anyone. i just hope that he finds the very best, and that person will treat him well. i didn't love him, but i truly, truly cared for him. i have a certain feeling that he did, though. and now that i think about it, i have no bad memories of him. all of them are fond. i might as well just make a tv series called "Reply, 2016" hahahah. udahan dulu ya, sisanya kapan-kapan. gue ngantuk hahaha. selamat malam, dunia.
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Prologuenot much goes on inside my head anymore. In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
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November 2017
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