I once read a text, that went something along these lines:
"Being suicidal doesn't mean holding a gun to your head, or cutting both of your wrists. It could be in a form of smoking a cigarette, hoping that you'll get cancer and die. Or jaywalking at the streets, hoping that a car will hit you and you'll die....."
It's a long text post and I don't remember the whole thing but you get the point. But I realized that I have been doing these little things lately. I used to cut (no promises that I will not do it anymore) and went to buildings that have rooftops to jump from. But people started to notice and they're starting to think that I'm an ungrateful bitch who's a huge freak that doesn't appreciate life. So I changed those suicidal habits into things that are a little more subtle. For example, I noticed myself driving carelessly lately, hoping that I would crash into a huge truck so I would die on the spot. I also find myself forgetting to eat until my stomach actually hurts a lot lol (I have a gastritis, and it's quite bad). Related to the gastritis one, so my stomach hurts really bad when I drink coffee before I eat anything (because coffee makes my stomach produce more acid) so it hurts the whooooole day. But I still do it anyways, with reasons that would make me feel content. Like "not falling asleep in class", for example. I also find myself not sleeping regularly, in hopes of being exhausted so I will have no more energy left to live and die of exhaustion.
I do not know what is wrong with me, but I hope my this stupidity within will go away soon.
Ketika seorang manusia dihadapkan pada sebuah masalah hidup yang berat, akan ada 2 pilihan yang menyusul.
Lari dan mencari kesibukan, atau menghadapi untuk menyelesaikan.
Saya, dengan bodohnya, memilih yang pertama.
dan disini saya, duduk, bersama secangkir teh
not much goes on inside my head anymore.
In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
pain is inevitable. suffering, is optional.
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