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//11:01 PM. November 26th was the birth date of my first love. November 26th, 2014 is the day where my first love turned sixteen. As ridiculous at this sounds, I had my first love when I was six. Maybe that's when I realized that I didn't hate him to that extent, I liked him. You know, when you were a kid, every opposite gender is your enemy. He had always mocked me, played pranks on me, and did everything that made me hate him. I got all the reasons in the world to hate him. Yes, hate. I really, really, really hated him. I felt like I was bullied. He never assaulted me, though. Thinking back, what he did was very normal. At the age of 8 to 16, boys can be very naughty and sneaky. Huh, boys. Well, that was what my fetus me thought. The weird feeling grew until I was twelve. His mother and mine were very close, to the extent that we took baths together sometimes. At the age of thirteen, we were admitted into different schools so we grew distant. We still went to the same course until the age of fourteen, but we were not as close as we used to be. It's the cycle of life, I noticed. You can't help but let people come and go from your life. It is how it's meant to be. Separation is not something you can hold on. All you can do is smile through it and let it pass while looking for the replacement. The fifteen year old me has learnt how to face separation. I used to have separation anxiety back then, but not anymore. You can also say that I got stronger, mentally. And at the age of fifteen, I was told that he's moving to another city because of his father's job. My mother told me to bid our goodbyes, but I refused. I did not show up at the airport. On November 26th, 2014, I became anxious for no reason. I wanted to congratulate him because he survived another year without letting the devil inside him take over his body, but that'd be really weird, because we haven't talked at all for two years. And what I did, was stalk him on facebook. You see, my hobbies would be watching movies, dancing, and surfing through wikipedia. And what I like to surf are Greek and Egyptian Myths, mental illness, and kinds of tortures (I know, that was a weird combination). I also have my own dance team in school. And guess what I found on his facebook? His latest status update was: reading about Greek mythology kinda fun actually. I think I'll read Egyptians tomorrow and: Done with Greek! Egypt at last and:  (he's the one on the far left.) And I thought, life's pretty funny. We really had nothing in common in the past, but now he likes everything that I like. It's funny, in a sense of sadness. If only we liked doing the same things back then, we wouldn't drift away since having the same interests will never tear a friendship apart.
But then again, what is there to do? People are like lines that meet at one point, and part afterwards. And that is, my friend, is the cycle of life. Since I kind of regret the past; I'd like to ask you how you're doing. I hope you're doing well, and sorry for not acknowleding your existence when we met last year. Lots of regrets and love! I miss you, old friend.
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//2:48 AM. I wonder what it’s like to be at the top of the food chain. Life must be much more easier, not handling the amount of stress; the one I’ve been trying to bear until now. I do feel them. I just don’t show them. The thing is, when I told my friends that I’ve been feeling stressful studying in Sanur, they looked genuinely surprised. And when I asked why, they said: “Because you don’t look stressed to me. You smile and joke around all the time!" Well, true. And you might ask, how do I cope with the amount of stress that lingers? Well, the answer is dancing, music, and some other melancholic stuff. And some drops of violence as well. Haha. I like seeing what people used to do in the past to punish those who had broke the law. Oops, I got distracted. Shall us go back to the main topic? We shall. The thing is, I’m quite fond of K-Music. K-pop is the acronym for Korean Music. Basically it’s music created in South Korea. I like them because of the catchy music and the fancy dancing they have. The choreographies are eye endearing. The music videos are interesting, too. Well, some of them. You see, this industry of theirs usually have this thing called “concept” that they’re going to pull off every comeback (comeback is their term for releasing new music). Some of the groups may use storylines in their videos to tell the viewers their ‘concept’, while the others use their choreographies instead. The links below are examples of music videos with a story inside it: Nell 5th Album_그리고 남겨진 것들_The Day Before Akdong Musician(AKMU) - 얼음들(MELTED) M/V THE ARK(디아크) _ The Light(빛) I won’t tell you what the videos are about, because I don’t like spoiling. But my personal favorite is the first. The next video I’m going to give you is an example of a music video without a story, which will explain the concept by their choreography. SUPER JUNIOR 슈퍼주니어 _SPY_MUSIC VIDEO The choreography in the video above tells us about how the members of the group are spies and how they’re chasing and ‘catching’ the woman they love. And that is all. By the way, I decorated my wall!  And yes, that is Van Gogh's Starry Night. My uncle painted it for me. Soon, my wall will be full of memories I've made with my friends and family! Can't wait to fill the spaces. P. S: It rained yesterday! You can't believe how much I squealed that night. I contemplated with myself about lots of things. I was quite delightful yesterday. I had coffee, too! Well, it’s been a while since it rained.
//12:47 AM. A few months ago, in the midst of Summer, if I'm not mistaken; I was told that my grandmother (who I love the most in my life. I probably love her more than my parents, even myself.) suffers through cancer. Gastrointestinal cancer, to be exact. I remember, on the day when I was told, I broke down. My mother told me not to cry, "I held my tears, child. Don't make my effort seems worthless. Don't tell your sister, we have to be strong." And in an instant, Nell's The Day Before rung through my ears. Like, it's the background song. Haha. (Look at me, able to use 'haha' even when telling a sad story. My lack of feelings, tsk.) But all in all, the song probably hit right through my chest because of the lyrics. It left a loud pang that resonated inside. At first, it was really hard I couldn’t acknowledge it so it was torturous When the news was told, yes. It was very hard for me. I couldn't believe that it was happening. One's life is going to be taken before my eyes, and I refused to believe the fact. I still do. It hurts, losing is. But after I accepted it Now it’s just so sad I started to accept the fact since one, two months ago? I lost track. Every second seemed like a blur, and I lived my life just like that. No sparks, no memories. I probably made some interesting memories, but I can't recall any. Actually, it’s like this – what use is it to hold onto something that is scattering? Only the heart will hurt more But I wonder, what is the purpose of living like this? This part; it can't be explained. The song says it all. Then I realized, I am keeping a distance between me and her lately. (Goodness, my head feels heavy writing this.) At first, I didn't realize what I've been doing until my mom told me that Grandma's feeling down lately. "She doesn't get much attention from you. You know you're her favorite grandchild." I do know. She's my favorite person in this world, mom. I may not realize it, but I'm building a wall around me, maybe? So when she leaves, it won't break down. I can keep my horses strong. I mean, everyone knows me as the lady with the strong features, funny plus outgoing personality, childish, immature without a care for the world, and likes getting the spotlight. I can't certainly let those images of me disappear when she leaves, right? It'd be totally weird, because I'll be quiet the whole day, probably a week or more. People will ask, and I do not want to answer. I hate questions. I'm sorry, grandma. I still and will always love you.  ‘wishing that the sun would kiss me instead of the mere ground’ - 4:09 PM. School ended two hours ago, and I spent the last hour working on my Physics assignment. I’m on my way to Mall of Indonesia, a place where I learn how to make a sound that won’t seem like a car crash or the rattle that cats make when they fight. Yes, I take piano lessons; and this doesn’t mean that I’m good with it. I don’t even like playing piano. Makes me wonder why I took it in the first place. But it’s okay. At least I got companions.  ‘devouring the sweetness of every bitter drop.’ - Yes, coffee. (A little note here, this product isn’t as good as the original one.) And my laptop, the media to do all my school work. Paper, assignments, and book reviews. I’m loving every inch of it. Yep. 7:08 PM. Finally, this day has come to an end. I can finally close my eyes and take a short rest. I always find sleeping endearing. It’s a win-win situation for me. I’m not living yet I’m not dying. Oh, how I wish I‘m able sleep for good. A girl can dream, right? Here’s a beautiful night view from my piano teacher’s place.  ‘flickering through the absence of nights’ - It’s a little bit blurry because I have to catch up the lift, haha.
Good night, folks! |
Prologuenot much goes on inside my head anymore. In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
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November 2017
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