Bonjour! yes, it was a failed attempt to speak, and be french. Well! Since I'm in my last year, I only have 75 days left buat belajar di sanur. Gak kerasa banget, sumpah deh. I also have search for detik-detik (hence the title), buku latihan yang very famous for latihan UN. But unfortunately, udah abis di Jakarta. Kata mbak-mbak gramedia sih next week/some day within the month bakal restock; but I don't think so. Karena one of my friends udah beli the set except for Chemistry, I borrowed her books buat di fotokopi. Jesus Christ, this is terrifying, to be honest. And I juga udah bought buku latihan SBMPTN. Belom dikerjain sih, but at least I got the book. WELL. Since it's my last year, gak afdol kalo gak ngomongin guru-guru yang udah pernah ngajar gua lol. Kita mulai dari yang paling sesepuh ya: A. Bu Surti Beliau itu guru yang sangat dihormati, dihargai, dan disayangi. Soalnya Bu Sur udah ngajar 3 generasi, bahkan Ia juga ngajar Bu Arimbi dulu. Damn. Bu Sur itu harusnya juga udah pensiun, tapi katanya, I quote, "Saya juga gak ngapa-ngapain dirumah, jadi mendingan saya ngajar." Terus, Ibu ini juga adalah pembimbing paper gue. Jujur, dibimbing sama Ibu itu capek banget. Karena gue gak dikasih tau salah dimana, dan gue harus nyari sendiri kesalahan gue dimana. Tiring banget deh. Tapi I feel honored karena dapet Ibu guru yang super membimbing dengan baik. Temen gue, Nagini (disamarkan) yang dibimbing sama Bu Venty jarang banget di revisi. Gue ampe kasian. Tapi dia gak remed. Gue remed, LOL. Well on the bright side, nanti pas kuliah gue gak akan ngulang kesalahan yang sama dan gua sangat bersyukur gua bisa dapet kesempatan dibimbing sama Ibu. Thanks Bu! P.S: ibu mirip oma saya jadi saya makin sayang sama ibu. B. Bu Lusia Beh, Ibu yang satu ini kaya gak punya hati. In a good way. Dia gampang banget ngomong kata "mati" kalo sambil ngajar LOL. Lawak bener deh. Misalnya: "Yaa jadi kalo transfusi darah dari O ke A sebenernya gak papa, tapi lima belas tahun kemudian pembuluh darahnya melebar terus mati deeeeeh" Buset. Terus dia tuh sangat notorious for acting like a toddler. Dia sering banget ngambek tapi LUCU BANGET. BENER-BENER DEFINISI DARI CUTE GITU. Mana orangnya mini, cantik, putih. Mirip snow white, beneran. Misalnya kita minta undur ulangan, terus dia bakal nutup kuping pake dua tangan, geleng-geleng kepala sambil ngewhine "ga mau!! ga mau!!!" anD WE COULDN'T HELP BUT FALL FOR CUTENESS MAN. well intinya, we love her. C. Bu Patty ......no comment. Gua takut she's gonna find this blog omg buT THE THING IS I've been incognito to her eyes for the past two years dan SEJAK GUA LOMBA MD DI RASTROPHY DIA JADI INGET GUA SEBAGAI "YANG JINGKRAK2" SH******************T Terus akhir-akhir ini gua jadi kambing hitam aduh mampus idup gua Terus gua tanya kan ke Ibu, "Bu salah saya apa sih" dan dia cuma jawab "Gatau muka kamu bikin saya bawaannya kesel" LIKE WAT BU HOW IS THAT EVEN BISA JADI REASON WHY YOU HATE ME TERUS gua kan lagi revisi with Bu Sur one day, and I was kind of nervous so I was standing di pinggir kaki gue. Kaya gini. Terus sHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND STEPPED ON MY FEET DARI BELAKANG SUPAYA I STOOD UP STRAIGHT LAGI JFC BU YOU SCARED ME I SWEAR I GOT A HEART ATTACK TERUS THERE ARE TWO MORE JUST BEAR WITH ME SO gua lagi ikut pertemuan gitu di aula lantai 4. Macam promosi para caketos. Terus gua gak merasa ribut banget sumpah; DAN TIBA-TIBA GEBONG IPA 3 NYAMPERIN GUE BILANG "Meg, gue disuruh Bu Patty suruh lu diem." LIKE WTF SHE WAS 18937192871937 FEET AWAY Oke gak sejauh itu but literally lumayan jauh. WHY WAS SHE LOOKING AT ME. DON'T??????????????? PLS Terus one day kan she said kita bakal ulangan. it was the second tuesday of january, kayanya. but dia gak masuk, karena ada urusan with the government or something. Akhirnya yang masuk guru piket, aka Bu Gita, dan dia ngasih tugas, which is to complete evaluasi bab 8. terus before she left, she told me: "Oh iya Elisa, tadi Bu Patty pesan ke saya untuk merhatiin kamu, dia bilang 'Liatin ya yang namanya Elisa kelas 12 IPA 2! Awas dia kalo gak ngerjain', begitu! Jadi kamu kerjain ya~" OK WAT NO DIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR 'I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME BUT I'M FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW' is the perfect phrase for me at that time tbh. Ya, itulah balada kehidupan saya di Sanur. Dan untuk mempersiapkan UN, saya telah fotokopi buku Detik-detik (karena di gramedia pada abis)! I'm honestly really scared, but I'm going to do my best. Because if not, my mom's setting me up with a guy and I DON'T WANT TO MARRY BY THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN. JFC. No seriously, you don't know my mom. Beneran udah dicariin calon suami buat saya.
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Bukan sebuah rahasia lagi, fakta bahwa aku, sedang improve my mental health. Saya, kawan, lawan; basically anak sanur. In general. Yang overthinking and stressed, like I am. I wouldn't say depressed, because I don't deserve such honor. Those who are truly depressed went through so much more than what we are going through. Abuse, self-harm, etc. But we're not going to talk about that right now. I'm going to post something more subtle, and softcore (not porn). Therefore, saya pun mencoba, untuk cope with reality; which has been posted on October 2015. My sole escape was, and is, music. You see, I like music in general, except for EDM (Electronic Dance Music) because berisik. But as for language, I can listen to anything. When I wasn't as busy as I am now (but still busy), I used to make playlists, tergantung what I feel at that moment. And I'd like to share the hidden, secret playlist I've been keeping for myself, to you all. (As if I have readers, lol) Aku gunain my playlists to bail, wail, and curl into a ball of sadness supaya the sadness will go away (meskipun cuma dikit) and bisa balik ke daily hectic rutinitas I have on the palm of my hands. Well, they help me; and I hope they'll help you too. Here you go: My first playlist, was named "sleepless nights". Well obviously I wasn't sleeping much makanya I made the playlist to let out my fatigue. Even the description sounds depressing. The playlist is in Korean, and filled with Korean music. The thing is, it's not K-pop. In fact, if you search for the translation for the songs in the playlist, they can be pretty depressing. I included a few Epik High's songs there. Oh, and Nell. They make their own songs, and they're poets of the Korean music industry. You should check them out. My favorite album from Nell is Separation Anxiety (even the name sounds poetic!) and Slip Away as for Epik High, it's Shoebox, (e), and Fever's End. Fun fact, I used to think that Slip Away means kepeleset as in jatoh di kamar mandi, but no it actually means dying/die/death. Pretty horrific. Cool. My second playlist, was named "dissolving into nothingness." Aaaand it's as depressing as sleepless nights, in which the difference is located in the language. This one has English, Japanese, and songs with no lyrics. I included Daughter, the band who's notorious for singing sad songs in general and City and Colour, which is practically the same. I also included the amazing, beautiful Norah Jones.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed the playlists! Release your pain and sadness, it's a normal thing, my friend. Don't keep it to yourself, don't be afraid. Keep track of your mental health, and be safe. Good luck. Halo, lagi! Pertama-tama, saya mau ngucapin selamat tahun baru. Semoga di tahun ini, only the good things will happen to me, you; us. Aminin aja. So di tahun ini, aku disuruh ngepost disini lagi sama guru TIK aku. Aha. Enak ya kalo tugas kaya gini. Suka banget. Thanks pak! Aku mau limpahin botol hati aku aja deh, soalnya kasian temen-temen aku kalo aku cerita beginian. Mereka udah capek, stress, lelah, masa aku tambahin lagi bebannya? It's not like they'd care too. They have their own problems, and I respect that. Jadi, waktu Minggu kemaren di gereja, tiba-tiba I was strucked by reality. Kaya tiba-tiba aja, gak ada prolognya, langsung klimaks. Bahwa sekarang tuh udah Januari. Bahwa waktu aku di bangku SMA cuma 85 hari lagi (temen aku ada yang ngitungin). Dan bahwa bulan depan udah uprak, UAS, US, terus diakhiri dengan UAN. Dan bulan depan tuh kaya tinggal 20 hari lagi! I was like, "Dafuk? Gua belom review pelajaran kelas 10-11 sama sekali! Shit I should've nyicil Desember kemaren." but the thing is I was too tired karena di drill pas semester 5. Jadi Desember aku gak ngapa-ngapain. Terus I had panic attack after thinking about what is going to come for a few moments, kaya napas pendek-pendek gitu sama keringetan. Aneh ya? Tapi gak tau sih itu termasuk panic attack apa bukan, tapi waktu itu rasanya sesek aja, susah napas. Teruus sekarang udah banyak ulangan, tugas, paper, beban mental dan fisik (side-eyeing olahraga because tadi aku lari 400 m yaampun capek banget pinggang sama pantat aku langsung sakit). Terus aku les inten yang kelarnya jam 8 malem. Nyampe rumah jam 9, masih bau ketek. Belom mandi, merem, makan, belajar buat besok lagi, nyicil tugas-tugas. Kadang-kadang kalo aku udah bener-bener capek banget kaya when my shoulders start to feel heavy and backpains strucks me; aku copot façade aku, lay down on my bed for 15-20 minutes, lights off, and I devour the silence. Gak mikir, cuma diem aja. Ya, istilahnya ngecharge diri alias dwell in the dark. (Ada lagunya loh. Nih.) Soalnya aku introvert, jadi kalo abis ketemu banyak orang rasanya mau sendiri dulu, capek komunikasi dan berinteraksi mulu. Teruus karena banyak banget yang harus dilakuin, aku dua pertemuan terakhir pulang inten jam 6, bukan jam 8. Terus masa aku dimarahin, karena "gak bisa ngatur jadwal" dan "mengganggu jadwal inten". Yakali pak saya mentingin inten, sekolah tuh jauh lebih penting. Mikir dikit doesn't hurt a soul kok pak, unless you don't have one. Oops. You don't. Terus tadi paper aku direvisi lagi sama pembimbing aku. Aku kan kumpulnya tanggal 7/1 alias minggu lalu, terus aku kaya "kenapa gak revisi dari kemaren-kemaren???? Ada waktu seminggu jfc. Besok sidang jfc mau mati UGH CAPEK BGT IDUP TUHAN." gitu. Rasanya mau marah. Tapi gak ada yang bisa dimarahin. Gak bisa marahin pembimbing aku juga, soalnya dia baik banget sama aku. Selalu direvisi, dan aku bersyukur kaya hal ini. Temen aku, empi alias Regina alias nagin(i) (LOL ulernya Voldemort) itu gak pernah direvisi sama pembimbingnya. Makanya aku selalu brag tentang guru pembimbing aku ke semua temen-temen aku. Ya, segitu aja. Sebenernya aku masih mau marah. Tapi gak bisa. Mau nangis, gak mau. Pasti ditanya-tanya. Aku gak suka di interogasi. Mau diem doang untuk selamanya, nanti diomongin orang. Berisik. Sebenernya, sometimes all I need is cuma a hug kok. A pat in the back, saying I'll be able to go through this all. That the person will be with me. Emotionally. But that'd be too much to ask. All I need is a hug and a shoulder. They'd suffice. + A shoutout to the songs that I've been binge-playing the past month/week. |
Prologuenot much goes on inside my head anymore. In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
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November 2017
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