I am a very emotional being, and I notice the littlest things.
Like the day where both me and my sister were studying on the cold marble floor, and my parents barged in. They came past me, fiddling their ways towards my sister, and praised her for her dilligence. A kiss was placed on her temple afterwards. I counted the days of longing for one.
I am a very emotional being, and I notice the littlest things.
Like the day where my heart clenched, upon the sight of my crush placing a kiss on his girlfriend's left cheek, right above her dimple.
I am a very emotional being, and I notice the littlest things.
Like the midnight where I heard sniffles from my grandma's bedroom. She was sent home from a hospital a few hours before, carrying a letter carved with an apology.
I am a very emotional being, and I notice the littlest things.
Like the day where my insanity roams my mind, taking control of my body; and it reached for some sort of a sharp object (I couldn't recall its shape). I remember it glazing through my skin during a very late night shower.
I am a very emotional being, and I turn sadness into anger.
And I am a very, very angry being.
<;> is this counted as a poem? lol <;>
Jika saya boleh jujur, sejak kecil saya sering kepikiran untuk operasi kelamin saya menjadi gonad laki-laki. Alasannya? Bukan karena saya merasa saya lebih cocok sebagai laki-laki, bukan. Alasannya karena saya muak dengan bentuk diskriminasi yang saya terima dari kecil. Meskipun bentuk diskiriminasi yang terjadi terhadap saya dan wanita lainnya bisa dibilang “kecil”, tapi tidak ada luka yang tidak sakit, bukan? Semua luka menghasilkan adalah luka. Begitu pula dengan diskiriminasi. Sekecil apapun bentuknya, tetap saja disebut dengan diskriminasi.
Sebagai contoh, saya adalah anak pertama dari dua bersaudara dan kami berdua perempuan. My parents are expecting a baby boy, and I often hear them discuss about it. Even though they don’t say it out loud, I know they’re disappointed because they don’t have a son. And I actually don’t like the idea of having a brother. You see, the Batak culture is based on patriarchy. Jadi kalau a household tidak punya anak laki-laki, “kesannya” rumah tersebut tidak punya anak. Well, menurut saya sih begitu. Pathetic, right? Tapi masalahnya ini udah menyangkut budaya yang sejak dulu sudah ada, jadi tidak mungkin bisa diubah. Yang bisa diubah hanyalah manusianya. That’s why saya ingin operasi kelamin. Saya juga sudah sering ngomong ke orang tua saya, bahwa saya akan sukses dan mereka tidak butuh anak laki-laki. Meskipun mereka mengangguk dan tersenyum, saya tahu they just brushed it off, because dalam budaya patriarchy versi orang Batak (especially yang di kampung), wanita hanya bekerja di dapur, memasak dan mencuci. Bahkan ayah saya pernah secara terang-terangan mengatakan hal itu. Waktu saya liburan ke Medan, saya melihat seorang wanita sedang berjalan dari sawah ke rumahnya dengan membawa tiga bakul berisi padi. Satu di tangan kanan, satu di tangan kiri, dan satu di kepala. Lalu saat saya tanyakan ke ayah saya, dan Ia menjawab, “Oh memang seharusnya perempuan yang melakukan segalanya, karena posisi mereka dibawah laki-laki. Biasanya di kampung-kampung, laki-laki bangun siang, merokok, dan minum kopi. Intinya mereka hanya bersantai lah.” Saya tersentak, dan berpikir laki-laki itu ternyata gak guna ya? Busuk. Sampah.
Kasus lain, wanita tidak boleh mempunyai pendapat yang radikal, tidak boleh memakai baju apapun yang mereka suka and wear what they’re comfortable in, dan tidak boleh mencintai dirinya sendiri. Meskipun tidak secara langsung diucapkan, tapi memang itu kenyataannya karena jika mereka adalah antonim dari hal-hal diatas, mereka akan dimarahi/diceramahi/dicemooh oleh orang lain karena “wanita tidak pantas”. Sebagai contoh, wanita diajarkan untuk tidak memakai celana/rok pendek dan baju V-neck/tank top agar “tidak menarik perhatian”, tapi laki-laki tidak pernah diajarkan untuk tidak menggoda wanita dan untuk menahan nafsu berahi yang mereka miliki, as if they can’t control their own goddamn penis. Kenapa mereka tidak masturbasi saja, atau menyewa prostitute? That way, no one would be raped, dan hubungannya akan menjadi simbiosis mutualisme. Yang kedua, jika seorang wanita di-compliment tentang how she looks, mayoritas akan menjawab: “Apaan sih aku jelek, kamu tuh cantik!” dan bukan mengakui bahwa Ia memang cantik. Kenapa kita tidak bisa confident? Karena, memang itu budayanya. Sejak dahulu, wanita telah terbiasa menjadi rendah hati. Tapi saya ingin bertanya, rendah hati atau rendah diri? Yang terakhir. Jika seorang wanita mempunyai sebuah pendapat, people will tell her she’s being “bossy”, instead of being “helpful”. Sekarang beri tahu saya kalau wanita tidak didiskriminasi, hm? Secara personal, saya sering mengalami peristiwa digoda pria di jalan dengan siulan, kata-kata tidak senonoh, and I FUCKING HATE IT. Coba, manusia mana sih yang suka digoda dan diperlakukan dengan tidak pantas, tidak sebagai manusia? Dasar binatang. Pasalnya, mereka menggoda dalam semua peristiwa. Even though saya pake baju biasa YANG GAK SHOW A LITTLE HINT OF SKIN SAMA SEKALI juga tetap saja. Biasanya saya merespon dengan melotot atau memberikan jari tengah saya, lalu berlari ke arah lain agar tidak dibunuh. Padahal saya belajar taekwondo, huh. Seharusnya saya tidak takut. Tapi mau gimana lagi, faktanya secara fisik laki-laki memang lebih besar dan kuat. Tapi bukan berarti wanita tidak kuat lho. Kita hanya terbiasa di intimidasi oleh masyarakat saja.
So yeah, that’s it. Cuma mau complaint tentang this unfair world. Padahal katanya Tuhan mencintai umatnya, kenapa satu harus lebih tinggi dari yang lain? Apa alasannya? Takdir? Harkat? Thanks, but I'm not taking this bullshit.
If I were to be asked, where I want to pursue education after high school, I'd answer Institut Teknologi Bandung, aka ITB, in a heartbeat. Since I was little, I've always wanted to study in either UI or ITB. But as I grew, I've fallen more for ITB. UI got nothing on ITB. Since I was in the first grade of elementary school, I had planned my future, and how I wanted it to be. It was something like this:
GRADUATE BELLARMINUS -> MASUK SANUR -> GRADUATE -> MASUK SMA 8 ->
LULUS -> UI/ITB!!!!!!!
Yes, I've been very ambitious since I was eight. I still am, but I kind of gave up since I'm too inferior compared to my friends. I don't see the advantage of being ambitious anymore, since it won't make any difference.
I did a lot of research regarding ITB; that the faculty of my dreams aka FTMD (Fakultas Teknik Mesin dan Dirgantara) is located at Jalan Ganesha no. 10, Bandung. The place is really green and fresh (lol I sound like I'm talking about veggies). It has lots of trees, and people don't really use their personal motor-based vehicle, unlike Jakarta, where everyone has at least one personal motor-based vehicle. Imagine how bad the air is, considering the fact that the pollution is pretty severe. The students go to school by bike or by feet. Some of them use public transport, too. But why I like ITB the most is that the air is not as polluted as Jakarta. I'm sick of breathing dirt.
I have always been interested in airplanes, how they work, how they're made, etc. I'm also a fan of Prof. Dr. -Ing. Dr. Sc. Mult. H. Bacharuddin Jusuf Habibie (I think I've mentioned him before?). What a name. He participated in the making of a small passenger airplane, the N-250 Gatotkaca in 1995, in which I think was amazing, despite the failure. The feeling when I see airplanes is like the butterflies in your stomach when you see the man (or woman) you love. Call me a freak, but that's how I am.
Whoa. It's only Tuesday but the fatigue I'm having is as much as what I had last year, by Friday, when the week was over. At this point, breaking down a lot of times is very necessary because if not, insanity will approach and control the hell out of me. I've had a few breakdowns the past week, and some of them were really random. In a random time, and a random place.
So I was eating at this German restaurant (whose food was really good! They contain pork, though.) and I didn't feel like eating. It was a Saturday night, around 7 PM, and there were a lot of people. We were lucky to be able to get a seat. The thing is, on that day, I haven't eaten the whole day because I had to submit a few assignments to some teachers at break. I didn't have the time to eat. And obviously, I got very angry. Hungry people get very sensitive, you know. Even lions do. After school, I had to do a try out that lasted for four hours at inten with a friend of mine. Again, no time to eat. I got angrier. And after the try out, all I wanted to do was go home, get some recharge (sleep), and do the assignments that were due the week after. But noooo, of course not. That'd be too good to be true. When I got to my car, I saw my sister and my mom wearing very fancy clothes, indicating that we were heading to the mall afterwards. Meanwhile I, was still in my complete, ugly, green uniform; looking like a trash/mess after a long day. I got angrier. All I wanted to do was rest; can't I get just that? Long story short, we ended up at the German restaurant. You see, I didn't order anything except for a cup of chamomile tea. And all of a sudden, I got very sad. I thought about my future that seemed so dim, my effort that seemed meaningless, the tasks that I haven't done, the tests that I will face the week after, this dumb head of mine, the inferiority complex that I have because I have to compete with my ultra superior friends, and so much more. They weren't lying when they say that 'thoughts kill'. I cried, in a very crowded restaurant; but I didn't make a noise. Whilst the incident, I overheard my sister saying, "Mami, pas kakak ujian nanti kan dede libur. Kita jalan-jalan yuk! Ke Bali aja, udah lama dede gak ke Bali!". Man, I got even sadder than I already was. It's as if when I'm on the verge of insanity, no one was, and will be there for me. But my mom noticed my sniffles, and said "Gak lah. Mami harus dirumah, kakak kamu butuh support.", and tousled my hair softly.
I think we all know what happened next.
Bonjour! yes, it was a failed attempt to speak, and be french. Well! Since I'm in my last year, I only have 75 days left buat belajar di sanur. Gak kerasa banget, sumpah deh. I also have search for detik-detik (hence the title), buku latihan yang very famous for latihan UN. But unfortunately, udah abis di Jakarta. Kata mbak-mbak gramedia sih next week/some day within the month bakal restock; but I don't think so. Karena one of my friends udah beli the set except for Chemistry, I borrowed her books buat di fotokopi. Jesus Christ, this is terrifying, to be honest. And I juga udah bought buku latihan SBMPTN. Belom dikerjain sih, but at least I got the book.
WELL. Since it's my last year, gak afdol kalo gak ngomongin guru-guru yang udah pernah ngajar gua lol. Kita mulai dari yang paling sesepuh ya:
A. Bu Surti
Beliau itu guru yang sangat dihormati, dihargai, dan disayangi. Soalnya Bu Sur udah ngajar 3 generasi, bahkan Ia juga ngajar Bu Arimbi dulu. Damn. Bu Sur itu harusnya juga udah pensiun, tapi katanya, I quote, "Saya juga gak ngapa-ngapain dirumah, jadi mendingan saya ngajar." Terus, Ibu ini juga adalah pembimbing paper gue. Jujur, dibimbing sama Ibu itu capek banget. Karena gue gak dikasih tau salah dimana, dan gue harus nyari sendiri kesalahan gue dimana. Tiring banget deh. Tapi I feel honored karena dapet Ibu guru yang super membimbing dengan baik. Temen gue, Nagini (disamarkan) yang dibimbing sama Bu Venty jarang banget di revisi. Gue ampe kasian. Tapi dia gak remed. Gue remed, LOL. Well on the bright side, nanti pas kuliah gue gak akan ngulang kesalahan yang sama dan gua sangat bersyukur gua bisa dapet kesempatan dibimbing sama Ibu. Thanks Bu! P.S: ibu mirip oma saya jadi saya makin sayang sama ibu.
B. Bu Lusia
Beh, Ibu yang satu ini kaya gak punya hati. In a good way. Dia gampang banget ngomong kata "mati" kalo sambil ngajar LOL. Lawak bener deh. Misalnya:
"Yaa jadi kalo transfusi darah dari O ke A sebenernya gak papa, tapi lima belas tahun kemudian pembuluh darahnya melebar terus mati deeeeeh"
Terus dia tuh sangat notorious for acting like a toddler. Dia sering banget ngambek tapi LUCU BANGET. BENER-BENER DEFINISI DARI CUTE GITU. Mana orangnya mini, cantik, putih. Mirip snow white, beneran. Misalnya kita minta undur ulangan, terus dia bakal nutup kuping pake dua tangan, geleng-geleng kepala sambil ngewhine "ga mau!! ga mau!!!" anD WE COULDN'T HELP BUT FALL FOR CUTENESS MAN.
well intinya, we love her.
C. Bu Patty
......no comment. Gua takut she's gonna find this blog omg buT THE THING IS I've been incognito to her eyes for the past two years dan SEJAK GUA LOMBA MD DI RASTROPHY DIA JADI INGET GUA SEBAGAI "YANG JINGKRAK2" SH******************T
Terus akhir-akhir ini gua jadi kambing hitam aduh mampus idup gua
Terus gua tanya kan ke Ibu, "Bu salah saya apa sih"
dan dia cuma jawab "Gatau muka kamu bikin saya bawaannya kesel"
LIKE WAT BU HOW IS THAT EVEN BISA JADI REASON WHY YOU HATE ME
TERUS gua kan lagi revisi with Bu Sur one day, and I was kind of nervous so I was standing di pinggir kaki gue. Kaya gini.
Terus sHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND STEPPED ON MY FEET DARI BELAKANG SUPAYA I STOOD UP STRAIGHT LAGI JFC BU YOU SCARED ME I SWEAR I GOT A HEART ATTACK
TERUS THERE ARE TWO MORE JUST BEAR WITH ME
SO gua lagi ikut pertemuan gitu di aula lantai 4. Macam promosi para caketos. Terus gua gak merasa ribut banget sumpah; DAN TIBA-TIBA GEBONG IPA 3 NYAMPERIN GUE BILANG "Meg, gue disuruh Bu Patty suruh lu diem."
LIKE WTF SHE WAS 18937192871937 FEET AWAY
Oke gak sejauh itu but literally lumayan jauh. WHY WAS SHE LOOKING AT ME. DON'T??????????????? PLS
Terus one day kan she said kita bakal ulangan. it was the second tuesday of january, kayanya. but dia gak masuk, karena ada urusan with the government or something. Akhirnya yang masuk guru piket, aka Bu Gita, dan dia ngasih tugas, which is to complete evaluasi bab 8. terus before she left, she told me: "Oh iya Elisa, tadi Bu Patty pesan ke saya untuk merhatiin kamu, dia bilang 'Liatin ya yang namanya Elisa kelas 12 IPA 2! Awas dia kalo gak ngerjain', begitu! Jadi kamu kerjain ya~"
NO DIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
'I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD TIME BUT I'M FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW' is the perfect phrase for me at that time tbh.
Ya, itulah balada kehidupan saya di Sanur. Dan untuk mempersiapkan UN, saya telah fotokopi buku Detik-detik (karena di gramedia pada abis)! I'm honestly really scared, but I'm going to do my best. Because if not, my mom's setting me up with a guy and I DON'T WANT TO MARRY BY THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN. JFC. No seriously, you don't know my mom. Beneran udah dicariin calon suami buat saya.
Bukan sebuah rahasia lagi, fakta bahwa aku, sedang improve my mental health. Saya, kawan, lawan; basically anak sanur. In general. Yang overthinking and stressed, like I am. I wouldn't say depressed, because I don't deserve such honor. Those who are truly depressed went through so much more than what we are going through. Abuse, self-harm, etc. But we're not going to talk about that right now. I'm going to post something more subtle, and softcore (not porn).
Therefore, saya pun mencoba, untuk cope with reality; which has been posted on October 2015. My sole escape was, and is, music.
You see, I like music in general, except for EDM (Electronic Dance Music) because berisik. But as for language, I can listen to anything. When I wasn't as busy as I am now (but still busy), I used to make playlists, tergantung what I feel at that moment. And I'd like to share the hidden, secret playlist I've been keeping for myself, to you all. (As if I have readers, lol)
Aku gunain my playlists to bail, wail, and curl into a ball of sadness supaya the sadness will go away (meskipun cuma dikit) and bisa balik ke daily hectic rutinitas I have on the palm of my hands. Well, they help me; and I hope they'll help you too.
Here you go:
My first playlist, was named "sleepless nights". Well obviously I wasn't sleeping much makanya I made the playlist to let out my fatigue. Even the description sounds depressing.
The playlist is in Korean, and filled with Korean music. The thing is, it's not K-pop. In fact, if you search for the translation for the songs in the playlist, they can be pretty depressing. I included a few Epik High's songs there. Oh, and Nell. They make their own songs, and they're poets of the Korean music industry. You should check them out. My favorite album from Nell is Separation Anxiety (even the name sounds poetic!) and Slip Away as for Epik High, it's Shoebox, (e), and Fever's End. Fun fact, I used to think that Slip Away means kepeleset as in jatoh di kamar mandi, but no it actually means dying/die/death. Pretty horrific. Cool.
My second playlist, was named "dissolving into nothingness." Aaaand it's as depressing as sleepless nights, in which the difference is located in the language. This one has English, Japanese, and songs with no lyrics.
I included Daughter, the band who's notorious for singing sad songs in general and City and Colour, which is practically the same. I also included the amazing, beautiful Norah Jones.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed the playlists! Release your pain and sadness, it's a normal thing, my friend. Don't keep it to yourself, don't be afraid. Keep track of your mental health, and be safe. Good luck.
Halo, lagi! Pertama-tama, saya mau ngucapin selamat tahun baru. Semoga di tahun ini, only the good things will happen to me, you; us. Aminin aja.
So di tahun ini, aku disuruh ngepost disini lagi sama guru TIK aku. Aha. Enak ya kalo tugas kaya gini. Suka banget. Thanks pak!
Aku mau limpahin botol hati aku aja deh, soalnya kasian temen-temen aku kalo aku cerita beginian. Mereka udah capek, stress, lelah, masa aku tambahin lagi bebannya? It's not like they'd care too. They have their own problems, and I respect that.
Jadi, waktu Minggu kemaren di gereja, tiba-tiba I was strucked by reality. Kaya tiba-tiba aja, gak ada prolognya, langsung klimaks. Bahwa sekarang tuh udah Januari. Bahwa waktu aku di bangku SMA cuma 85 hari lagi (temen aku ada yang ngitungin). Dan bahwa bulan depan udah uprak, UAS, US, terus diakhiri dengan UAN. Dan bulan depan tuh kaya tinggal 20 hari lagi! I was like, "Dafuk? Gua belom review pelajaran kelas 10-11 sama sekali! Shit I should've nyicil Desember kemaren." but the thing is I was too tired karena di drill pas semester 5. Jadi Desember aku gak ngapa-ngapain. Terus I had panic attack after thinking about what is going to come for a few moments, kaya napas pendek-pendek gitu sama keringetan. Aneh ya? Tapi gak tau sih itu termasuk panic attack apa bukan, tapi waktu itu rasanya sesek aja, susah napas.
Teruus sekarang udah banyak ulangan, tugas, paper, beban mental dan fisik (side-eyeing olahraga because tadi aku lari 400 m yaampun capek banget pinggang sama pantat aku langsung sakit). Terus aku les inten yang kelarnya jam 8 malem. Nyampe rumah jam 9, masih bau ketek. Belom mandi, merem, makan, belajar buat besok lagi, nyicil tugas-tugas. Kadang-kadang kalo aku udah bener-bener capek banget kaya when my shoulders start to feel heavy and backpains strucks me; aku copot façade aku, lay down on my bed for 15-20 minutes, lights off, and I devour the silence. Gak mikir, cuma diem aja. Ya, istilahnya ngecharge diri alias dwell in the dark. (Ada lagunya loh. Nih.) Soalnya aku introvert, jadi kalo abis ketemu banyak orang rasanya mau sendiri dulu, capek komunikasi dan berinteraksi mulu.
Teruus karena banyak banget yang harus dilakuin, aku dua pertemuan terakhir pulang inten jam 6, bukan jam 8. Terus masa aku dimarahin, karena "gak bisa ngatur jadwal" dan "mengganggu jadwal inten". Yakali pak saya mentingin inten, sekolah tuh jauh lebih penting. Mikir dikit doesn't hurt a soul kok pak, unless you don't have one. Oops. You don't.
Terus tadi paper aku direvisi lagi sama pembimbing aku. Aku kan kumpulnya tanggal 7/1 alias minggu lalu, terus aku kaya "kenapa gak revisi dari kemaren-kemaren???? Ada waktu seminggu jfc. Besok sidang jfc mau mati UGH CAPEK BGT IDUP TUHAN." gitu. Rasanya mau marah. Tapi gak ada yang bisa dimarahin. Gak bisa marahin pembimbing aku juga, soalnya dia baik banget sama aku. Selalu direvisi, dan aku bersyukur kaya hal ini. Temen aku, empi alias Regina alias nagin(i) (LOL ulernya Voldemort) itu gak pernah direvisi sama pembimbingnya. Makanya aku selalu brag tentang guru pembimbing aku ke semua temen-temen aku.
Ya, segitu aja. Sebenernya aku masih mau marah. Tapi gak bisa. Mau nangis, gak mau. Pasti ditanya-tanya. Aku gak suka di interogasi. Mau diem doang untuk selamanya, nanti diomongin orang. Berisik. Sebenernya, sometimes all I need is cuma a hug kok. A pat in the back, saying I'll be able to go through this all. That the person will be with me. Emotionally. But that'd be too much to ask.
All I need is a hug and a shoulder. They'd suffice.
+ A shoutout to the songs that I've been binge-playing the past month/week.
mSo I have this s**tload of work that is due by Tuesday and I'm like not dONE AT ALL.
The thing that makes it worse is that mY CLOSE FRIENDS HAVE ALL DONE THE THING AND I'M LIKE WHERE HAVE I BEEN. HAVING FUN? OF COURSE NOT. WHY AM I ANGRY. Oh, s**t. I'm so pissed at myself for not being productive. I've had too much sleep and I'm going to finish my s**t.
[ jack black voice ] Hell yeah.
On the other hand, IU just released a new music video! BOUNCES BECAUSE SHE IS MY QUEEN.
Here's a preview of my work I've done all this time.
Man, you should've seen my workplace last night.
HELLO PEASANTS AND WHAT IS UP!! SO HYPED BECAUSE I JUST UPLOADED MY COVER OF MEGAN BATOON'S WORK IT DESPITE HOW ROUGH LIFE'S BEEN! (plus points for me!)
SOOOO CHECK IT OUT!!!!
Aaaaand I edited as fast as I could lol so forgive me for the weird editing. Though I am not satisfied, I am proud to say that I'm proud of myself! Heheheh.
Two days ago, I went to my old neighbourhood to get some information from my old neighbour, since I needed them for my math paperwork. And on that day, I met the people I grew up with. It made me feel bitter, because as I grew I realized that I start to distance myself away from my childhood friends. Well, school is the reason why. They went to public schools meanwhile I, went to a private school. Their schedules were much more hollow than mine, and that was the sole reason why we drifted apart. When they were playing with each other, I was with my tutor, studying. And life went just like that.
Well first, I met one of my childhood friend, Gilang. Even though we did not converse, we made an eye contact. And there were some kind of emptiness in his eyes, when his and mine met. It's like we never knew each other. Second, I met the man who used to sell iced doger in my neighborhood. He still does. So I bought one cup (and price is still the same! Apparently the world stock did not affect his sales.) and said thank you. I also asked him if he recognized me, and he said I looked familiar. I did not question any further. Well then and there, I realized that his beard is getting... whiter. One of the symptoms of getting old. It struck me that he, too, is also growing up. He's getting older, too. I'm not the only one getting older. But everyone does, too. I used to be as tall as his ribs, but now I'm three inches taller than him. It made me sad, somehow. But I can not describe why, and how.
Earlier, I had a mass at my grandma's house because it's her 67th party. Lots of children were there, and I saw innocent sparks in their eyes. They remind me of myself, too.
I linger in the past too much.
Their friendship was so pure, no harm was done to this world.
not much goes on inside my head anymore.
In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
pain is inevitable. suffering, is optional.
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