and this shall pass
A few months ago, in the midst of Summer, if I'm not mistaken; I was told that my grandmother (who I love the most in my life. I probably love her more than my parents, even myself.) suffers through cancer. Gastrointestinal cancer, to be exact. I remember, on the day when I was told, I broke down. My mother told me not to cry, "I held my tears, child. Don't make my effort seems worthless. Don't tell your sister, we have to be strong." And in an instant, Nell's The Day Before rung through my ears. Like, it's the background song. Haha. (Look at me, able to use 'haha' even when telling a sad story. My lack of feelings, tsk.)
But all in all, the song probably hit right through my chest because of the lyrics. It left a loud pang that resonated inside.
At first, it was really hard
I couldn’t acknowledge it so it was torturous
When the news was told, yes. It was very hard for me. I couldn't believe that it was happening. One's life is going to be taken before my eyes, and I refused to believe the fact. I still do. It hurts, losing is.
But after I accepted it
Now it’s just so sad
I started to accept the fact since one, two months ago? I lost track. Every second seemed like a blur, and I lived my life just like that. No sparks, no memories. I probably made some interesting memories, but I can't recall any.
Actually, it’s like this – what use is it to hold onto something that is scattering?
Only the heart will hurt more
But I wonder, what is the purpose of living like this?
This part; it can't be explained. The song says it all.
Then I realized, I am keeping a distance between me and her lately. (Goodness, my head feels heavy writing this.) At first, I didn't realize what I've been doing until my mom told me that Grandma's feeling down lately.
"She doesn't get much attention from you. You know you're her favorite grandchild."
I do know. She's my favorite person in this world, mom. I may not realize it, but I'm building a wall around me, maybe? So when she leaves, it won't break down. I can keep my horses strong.
I mean, everyone knows me as the lady with the strong features, funny plus outgoing personality, childish, immature without a care for the world, and likes getting the spotlight. I can't certainly let those images of me disappear when she leaves, right? It'd be totally weird, because I'll be quiet the whole day, probably a week or more. People will ask, and I do not want to answer. I hate questions.
I'm sorry, grandma. I still and will always love you.
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not much goes on inside my head anymore.
In my house of sadness, may I invite you in?
pain is inevitable. suffering, is optional.
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